


be still my foolish heart, don't ruin this on me

by allmadeofstardust



Series: WidoJest Confessions [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Nightmares, Pining, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:40:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27446533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmadeofstardust/pseuds/allmadeofstardust
Summary: The trouble with loving someone from afar is that you always want to tell them, but never can.Unless, of course, you slip.orFive times Caleb accidentally confessed, and the one time he did for real.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Series: WidoJest Confessions [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2044843
Kudos: 98





	be still my foolish heart, don't ruin this on me

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back to my Critical Role corner - I am significantly more well-versed in this fandom since my last entry, so hopefully this seems a little bit more in-character.  
> This was 110% inspired by THAT MOMENT from ep 115 (you know the one) and also me recently learning that Liam 100% made this ship canon af baby and you KNOW i'm gonna capitalize the FUCK out of that

**i - Alcohol**

It was Beau who goaded him into doing it.

He remembered the last time a contest like this had happened, where he let his barriers down for a few moments and nice things happened - laughter and jokes and  _ dancing _ . He wondered if he could dance again - it had been a long while.

Of course, it took until Caleb was four large mugs of ale in before he remembered the downside of that night. But now, did it matter? Things were warm and sweet, and Beau was laughing hysterically at how he stumbled slightly getting up from his chair, and the whole room had a hazy glow to it that made him feel relaxed. Safe, even, though he chalked that up to being surrounded by friends.

By Jester.

She was there too, her curved horns and perfect blue hair haloed by candlelight.

“Cayy-leb,” she teased. “You have a bit of ale on your chin.”

So he did, but before he could reach up and wipe it away, she was already there, a gentle thumb running along his jawline. He smiled lazily up at her and she giggled at the sight. It was so sweet, that sound.

A fiddle began strumming in the corner. This tavern wasn’t the same as the one before, lively and jaunty. Instead it was populated by hearty folk, who found pleasure in gambling and attempting to beat the visiting wizard in a drinking contest. But their contender lost, passed out in a corner, and someone somewhere with a pension for music had decided now was the time to celebrate this loss by offering the winner a jolted and poorly tuned dance. But a dance nonetheless.

Surprisingly, it was Beau who first dragged him out onto the empty space they were calling a dance floor, her mouth wide in a grin as she chuckled at how clumsy he was.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” he countered, his words slurring only slightly.

Beau shook her head and spun him in circles until he got so dizzy he didn’t realize someone else had taken her place.

Jester was beaming as she guided his hands into proper position, and Caleb straightened up. He may have been intoxicated well beyond his usual limits, but something deep within him was determined not to mess this up again.

It wasn’t a waltz - the fiddle was much too disjointed for that - but they settled into a decent pattern that left Caleb feeling light-headed, but in the most glorious way possible. He found himself smiling in genuine happiness, and for the first time in a while he allowed himself the sensation.

“Caleb,” Jester hummed mid-dance. “Is this always there?”

Caleb tilted his head to the side in confusion.

“This,” she explained, gesturing to all of him. “Do you always have this side of you hidden?”

_ Oh. _ He wasn’t sure what to say to that that wouldn’t break her heart, and he had vowed to not ruin the mood tonight.

“I am happy when I’m sober,” he argued playfully. “The frown is just an unfortunate side effect.”

Jester giggled again. The fiddle had slowed to a crawl, and they eventually stopped dancing. The room was spinning even more now, and Caleb knew he’d better go to bed before he said anything stupid.

He bowed to Jester slightly and made for the stairs. Jester caught him by the wrist.

“You won’t go getting lost, will you Caleb?”

He smiled back at her, and, in an act of absolute lack of inhibition, he took her hand and kissed her fingers.

“ _ Nein _ ,” he whispered.

Jester blushed furiously, but let her hand lay where it was. A beat passed, then Caleb realized what he had done.

“I - I didn’t - ”

“It’s okay, Caleb,” she replied genuinely. “Do you need help getting to your room?”

He shook his head, eager to be rid of this place. He felt as if he could sink into the floor.

“I’ll manage,” he mumbled, and backed away. Jester let him leave, watching him passively as he half-tripped up the stairs. He pushed his way into his blessedly empty room and shut the door firmly behind him, sliding down it into a miserable heap.

“ _ Dummkopf _ ,” he cursed as he pulled his coat around him.

Downstairs, he could hear the fiddle pick back up again, and he imagined him and Jester dancing together, no one else around them, free to fly.

He shook his head.

“ _ Dummer traum.”  _ He repeated it out loud, barely a whisper. “ _ Dummer traum, dummer traum.” _

He fell asleep thinking of Jester’s face.

**ii - Soliloquy**

Caleb favored second watch. It always guaranteed that everyone was asleep. He would stare out into the dark through the amber glow of the dome, knowing that they were protected but cautious all the same. They’d all decided they’d rather be safe than sorry long ago, and Caleb wasn’t about to let them down.

He’d sit and stare and practice cantrips to pass the time. And he’d talk to himself. Frequently.

Tonight, he was murmuring incantations of the new spell he was learning. It was nothing fancy, just a simple extension of Thaumaturgy, but he was focused on it, like he always was with these things. It was also a nice distraction from his true thoughts tonight, which kept drifting to Jester.

Earlier that day, he had cut his hand on a trap - nothing major by any means, but it prevented him from casting a few of his key spells. He had hid it, like he usually did, not wanting to cause a fuss, but Jester had noticed.

“Cay-leb,” she had scolded him as her hands wrapped around the wound. “You need to tell us these things, you know.”

“ _ Ja _ , I know,” he had said quietly, staring at her. He didn’t know why she was wasting her spells on something so small. So inconsequential.

“ _But of course she would_ ,” he spat in Zemnian half-heartedly at the ground below him. “ _It is_ _what she does, isn’t it? Takes care of you and your worthless existence.”_

Someone shifted in their sleep, and he stopped his spell incantation. He took a breath and let it out once he saw no one was waking up.

“ _ Why do this to yourself?” _ he continued. “ _ You don’t deserve her. You don’t deserve any of these people. If they knew who you were, they’d run away.” _

The spellbook beneath him was starting to smoulder as his hands curled around it. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath, forcing his fingers to relax.

“ _ I care about you,” _ he admitted out loud, albeit in Zemnian. Then, when he was sure no one was awake, he switched to Common.

“I care about you,” he whispered, words barely above a breath. “More than you know.”

Jester let out a snore. It was adorable, the way her hair fluttered slightly with each breath, the way her face was scrunched up in slumber.

“ _ Blöd, _ ” he told himself, digging his fingernails into his skin until he felt something other than the gaping expanse of useless love in his heart.

He waited another two hours, exactly. Then rose to wake Caduceus.

**iii - Zone of Truth**

They wanted information. Of course they did. They’d manage to capture them all and they wanted the thing that most sane foes wanted. Caleb at least was grateful. It could have ended a lot more bloody. Instead, Beau and Fjord were handling the talking. And at first, their attempts at throwing their captors off seemed to be working. Caleb sat patiently waiting, flexing his hands in his bonds. Jester looked frightened. Of course she was. The last time she’d been in this situation, she was a hair’s breadth away from slavery.

“Hey,” Caleb whispered to her. They’d been deposited next to each other, and he could see her out of the corner of his eye. “Everything’s okay,  _ ja _ ?”

She managed a shaky nod.

“Beau and Fjord are handling it. We’ll be okay.”

Nott was struggling next to them, growling as she found she couldn’t free herself. Caleb nudged her with his foot and shook his head.

“Leave it, friend,” he warned. “Let us take the democratic way out.”

“Some way,” Nott cursed, but fell still.

He heard raised voices, and suddenly there was a wave of magic wafting over the group. It felt tart, like sour fruit, and there was an acidic curl in the back of his throat that had him instinctively coughing.

“What is - ” he heard Nott ask, before he heard Beau cursing from down the hill. There was laughing from their captors. Satisfaction.

_ Information. _

“No one say anything,” Caleb ordered. “Stay quiet.”

Jester was wide-eyed in fright, but she nodded in agreement. He felt Nott sigh in frustration.

The voices grew in tension, yelling and screaming. He heard Beau arguing, Fjord’s frustrated words, before finally one of their captors stormed over, breathing hard with rage.

“Which one of you knows about the beacons?” they demanded.

Caleb bit his tongue fiercely. So did his friends. Their captor narrowed their eyes before throwing up their hands and returning to Fjord and Beau.

“Caleb,” Jester whispered. “What’s happening?”

“Zone of Truth,” Caleb explained. “It’ll go away soon.”

“What about Beau and Fjord?”

Caleb managed to find her hand in his his, and he squeezed.

“You’ll protect us, right Caleb?”

Without thinking, he responded immediately.

“Yes, though not as much as you ever could.”

Jester smiled nervously.

“Aww, Cay-leb. You care that much about me?”

He blinked. He remembered faintly, in another life, a time when he would stop his words in his tracks, but now it was all a mirage, shoved down by the heavy blanket that was the spell around him.

“I care more than you could imagine,  _ mein freund _ .”

He didn’t have a chance to register the words, nor Jester’s ensuing blush, before the sound of a fist impacting flesh echoed through the air. He heard Fjord summoning his falchion as the noise of combat erupted across the way, and the rest was a blur.

When the dust eventually settled, Beau panting as Caleb recovered, helping Jester to her feet, the magic around them faded, and Caleb realized instantly what he had said.

“J - Jester,” he began, holding his hands out, trying to placate her, but she was too busy throwing her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Thank you, Caleb!” she exclaimed joyously. He laughed in disbelief as he tried to stay steady on his feet.

“I - I’m not entirely sure what - ”

“You knew what to do, you kept us safe.”

“Oh, yeah, thank  _ him _ ,” Beau snarked, but she looked relieved to see her friends standing again.

“Everyone okay?” Fjord checked. “Those bastards didn’t do anything to you, did they?”

Nott rubbed at her wrists where her restraints had dug into her skin.

“Nah, just that stupid spell. Caleb detected it.”

Jester detached herself from Caleb and checked on Nott, soothing her raw wrists with magic. She seemed completely unaffected by Caleb’s words, and he wanted to keep it that way. He cleared his throat and poked his toe at the corpse of one of their captors.

“We should look them over, see if we can find anything that tells us why they were here.”

The distraction seemed to work, as his friends dispersed, looting the corpses. Nott pulled alongside him.

“Thanks,” she said, shrugging off the last of her discomfort. “Wouldn’t have stayed quiet if you hadn’t…”

“ _ Ja, ja, _ ” Caleb said, distracted. His eyes were still on Jester, who was peering down at a jeweled necklace she had found. No sign of oddity. He realized quite sadly that she’d probably been told people care deeply about her multiple times throughout her life. Caleb saying so was nothing noteworthy.

Good. She deserved all the love in the world. Let his words be one of many compliments she would receive in her happy life.

It didn’t matter that they were from him.

**iv - Love Language**

Jester had been acting sad over the past few days. She had been having her meals on the edge of camp, barely touching her food, and only smiled when prompted. It broke Caleb’s heart to see her frown so much, and he wouldn’t stand by and watch it continue.

That night, once Caduceus prepared their nightly food - a stew with fresh ingredients they’d bought from the town they’d stopped at - Caleb took Jester’s serving and walked over to her place near the outside of the dome.

“Jester?”

She raised her head, just barely, as if lost in thought.

“Hm?” She saw the bowl of food he was extending towards her. “Oh. Thank you, Caleb.”

She took it with shaky hands, and Caleb slipped onto the seat next to her.

“Jester,” he began, trying to keep his tone casual. “Is there something that is troubling you?”

“Hmm?” She was picking at her stew. “Oh. It’s nothing, Caleb. Don’t worry about me.”

She offered him a small smile, but it was forced.

“I worry. I -  _ we _ always worry about you.”

This time the smile was genuine.

“It’s silly. You’ll laugh.”

“Never.”

She let out a sigh. “The Traveller has been kind of quiet lately. I can still use my magic and everything, but he...he isn’t there when I try and talk with him. And...and I feel lonely.”

Caleb nudged himself a bit closer and put down his bowl. He snapped his fingers and Frumpkin appeared at Jester’s feet, curling around her ankles. She giggled, a magical sound, and knelt to pick up the cat. She stroked his fur and sighed again.

“Thank you, Caleb.”

“You know what I think?” he said. “I think the Traveller is a fool.”

She looked instantly offended, and Caleb laughed.

“Relax. I mean to say that if the Traveller is refusing to talk to you, then he is missing out on something wonderful.”

Jester bit her lip and retreated further into Frumpkin’s pelt. The cat mewed slightly in protest at how tightly she was squeezing him.

“But what if I’ve done something wrong?” she whispered. “What if he’s angry or something?”

Caleb scoffed. He dipped his fingers into his components pouch and pulled out a small bit of fleece - it wasn’t much, but it would do the job. He flicked his hand and the symbol of the Traveller appeared in the air in wavy amber light. Jester perked up slightly.

“Seems to me that the Traveller could use a reminder.”

The symbol brightened and shifted into an image of Jester, surrounded by lollipops and hamster unicorns. The illusory Jester moved forward, throwing her spiritual weapon at a random bunch of gnolls.

“At how valuable his most loyal follower is.”

More images flashed, all in amber light, of Jester fighting, and healing her friends. The real Jester’s hold on Frumpkin lessened as she straightened up, beaming. She grasped his hand suddenly, causing the illusion to jolt and fade slightly.

“You’re very nice, Caleb,” she said, and reached up and kissed him on the cheek. The illusion disappeared entirely as he forced down a flush in his face. Not noticing, Jester picked up her bowl and took a sip. Caleb took a deep breath and stood, dusting off his pants as an excuse to do something with his now trembling hands.

“ _ Gute nacht, _ Jester. Do not worry too much,  _ ja _ ?”

Jester nodded, and hugged Frumpkin. Caleb had a feeling it was a way of hugging himself. He smiled and bowed to her, before turning back towards the camp.

**v - Nott**

Caleb hated when his nightmares turned sour.

Though they were never pleasant, those with fires and the house and his parents he could  _ handle _ . He would wake up gasping, forcing down tears and a scream, but a few minutes later he’d be in control, in reality again, and everything would be fine.

Tonight, visions of fire shifted into ones of necromantic magic, sailing through the air, out of Caleb’s control, purple and ugly, until it hit someone, unforgivingly, someone beautiful and lovely and  _ blue _ .

He  _ screamed _ as the bolt ate away at Jester from the inside out, and he struggled to get closer, to  _ save her _ , but he couldn’t, and she was gone, and it was his fault, it was all - 

He woke up clawing at the sheets around him, yelling her name, because he needed to  _ save her _ . Someone grabbed his shoulders, shaking him, shouting.

“Caleb, Caleb! It’s alright, it’s okay!”

He was having trouble catching his breath, his heart was still racing. His vision was blurry, he could feel tears at the edges of his eyes.

“Caleb,  _ please _ , it’s me, it’s Nott!”

He forced down a sob and blinked heavily. He saw the image of Nott - his  _ friend _ \- staring up at him with big concerned eyes.

“Focus on me,” she guided him. “Breathe.”

He took a breath along with her, let her clawed fingers drag along his arms in soothing patterns. A few minutes passed, and the rest of the room slowly faded into existence for him. They were alone in their room at the inn, and Jester…

“ _ Jester, _ ” he whispered, snapping Frumpkin into existence. “Go check on her.”

“Caleb…” Nott argued, but the cat was already out the door, padding down the hall. A brief glimpse into his eyes showed Jester fast asleep in her room. Unharmed.

“Are you alright?” Nott asked as he blinked himself back into his own body. He nodded numbly.

“...was it about Jester?” Nott asked before she could stop herself.

Caleb sank back against the wall behind him.

“... _ ja _ .”

Nott hopped up onto the bed beside him. She placed a hand gently on his.

“Listen,” she said softly. “I...I know how you are with these nightmares…”

Caleb sniffed and huddled closer to himself, but he didn’t remove his hand from Nott’s.

“Do - do you usually dream about her?”

He wished she would let it go, but all he could manage was a small shake of the head. Nott turned her small body towards him, meeting his gaze. He felt as if he were staring at something ten thousand miles away, wanting to be free of this moment so he didn’t have to answer his friend’s inevitable question.

“T - there’s a reason, isn’t there?”

“Nott…”

“Caleb,” Nott insisted. “I...I want the best for you, you know that. If...if she’s who you want then - ”

“ _ Nein, _ ” he hissed, closing his eyes. He pressed the back of his head against the cool wood, wishing the gods would have mercy and take him away from this conversation. “She deserves better.”

Nott made a sound of disapproval, but stayed blessedly silent. They sat together for a time, in the quiet, contemplating this harsh reality.

“I’m sorry,” Nott finally said. “That your mind works against you like that.”

He wasn’t sure if she was talking about the nightmares, or Jester. He supposed it didn’t matter. He let his eyes fall open and turned to his friend.

“Are we good?” he asked, encompassing everything he could into the simple question. The pleas that she don’t speak to the others.

Nott gave him a sad smile.

“I don’t agree with you,” she said sternly. “You are worth more than you think, you know.”

“Are we - ”

“She’d be lucky to have you.”

A wave of frustration and grief rushed over him, and he let his head fall into his hands, gulping down another sob. He felt Nott rub his shoulder in sympathy.

“Yes,” she said softly. “We’re good.”

“Good,” he spat bitterly. He spitefully wiped away a tear - how dare he cry over this? “It is a useless thing, Nott,” he explained. “Useless, and wasteful.”

Nott squeezed his arm, almost playfully.

“I await the day when it isn’t,” she said, an inflection of hope in the last word. He laughed out of pure exhaustion.

“ _ Ja. _ Me too.”

**********

**vi - Cavern**

There was no one else. They had been separated from the rest of the Nein for hours now, lost in these godforsaken tunnels, and even Caleb himself didn’t know which way to go. They were trapped, and worse, they were being hunted.

Jester and he had managed to fight the worst of them off - creatures indiscernible in the darkness, even when exposed to magical light. They fought like animals, but their weapons were man made, and if this had been any other situation Caleb would have been taking notes, studying them. As it happened, it was all he could do to guide them away from the worst of it, but they were growing tired. Both of them.

It was late into the afternoon - that much Caleb knew - when Jester officially used the last of her spells in a last ditch effort to ward off an attack. The creature had fled, not fallen, leaving Caleb with nothing but cantrips, and Jester swaying on the spot, exhausted.

“Caleb,” she said, her voice verging on a whimper. “We need to find the others.”

That’s all they had been trying to do for what seemed like ages. Caleb felt more frightened than he’d been in a long time, but he swallowed the fear in favor of placing a steadying hand on Jester’s shoulder.

“We’ll find them,” he said firmly. “I promise you, we’ll find them.”

Jester sniffed, wiping away a stray tear, and Caleb threw a protective arm around her shoulders, guiding her forwards.

They made it almost forty minutes - a new record - before a single creature skittered into view. It wielded a serrated sword that looked rusted and old, and Caleb, knowing that he had almost nothing, stepped in front of Jester.

“Caleb,  _ no -  _ ” she protested, but the creature was already closing the distance, running forward, sword raised. He cast Fire Bolt on instinct, throwing the flame towards it in a desperate attempt to get it to flee. It ignited the creature’s matted fur but it kept coming, and all Caleb could do was ensure that it didn’t. Hit. Jester.

He expected the pain, when it came, but not so much the sudden and agonizing physical jolt as the sword dug past his ribcage and buried itself in his lung. He fell instantly, barely aware of time moving around him, for all he could see was the thing turning towards Jester, claws extended. Anger, hatred of the purest form, billowed up in his torn open chest, and before he even hit the ground the spell had tripled, the fire leaping in size, and the creature howled.

He didn’t see it die. He had collided with the cavern floor by then, and pain blinded him. He heard its yells cease, though, and he knew Jester was safe.

Jester, who had screamed the moment he took the blade, was now by his side, putting pressure on the bleeding hole in his chest. He couldn’t breathe, at least not decently, without blood obscuring his throat.

“Caleb!” Jester cried. “Caleb, you’re going to be okay! I’ll take care of you, don’t worry!”

There was fear in her voice, fear which he knew she would never admit. He focused instead on her face, her lovely blue face, and suddenly he was back in that tavern, looking up at her as she tucked him into bed. He had wanted to tell her something, then. He needed to say it now, before the death he knew was swiftly coming took him.

There was something oddly comforting about that thought. That instead of dying alone in a jail cell, starving and insane, he would be cradled by  _ her _ . Someone so loving and gentle.

He had to tell her.

“J - Jester.” The words were almost impossible to choke out, but he was going to, damnit, she needed to know. “Y - you are w - wonderful.”

She was crying now as she shook her head.

“I’m not! I can’t save you, Caleb, I can’t - ”

“Y - you do not have to save me to be so.” He tried taking a breath, heard the rattling in his chest. “I - I have always known you were.”

Jester somehow managed a smile, despite her tears, despite the circumstances, and it emboldened him enough to say the next words.

“I have always loved you, Jester.” They were barely a whisper, but he had said them. “A - always will.”

He wished so much that he could see her beautiful face then. But the red and the black were already swallowing him, and he made peace with the thought that she was by his side till the end.

*******

Everything hurt.

His head, his fingers, his chest. Like somebody had dropped him down a flight of stairs and hadn’t bothered to help him back up.

That image was funny to him. A dignified wizard in a crumpled heap. He laughed, and immediately regretted it, for the pain seemed to double with the movement. He heard frantic voices from far away, and tried to open his eyes.

He found himself looking up at the night sky - a blessed sight, considering where he had died.

_ Died _ . That was a funny thought. Was he still dead?

He heard his name called from somewhere to his left. He blinked and turned his head - a movement which left him almost nauseous with pain, but it was all quickly forgotten as he saw Jester’s worried expression fade into view.

“Caleb!” she exclaimed upon seeing him awake. “Oh, Caleb, we were so  _ worried _ about you, we thought - well  _ I  _ thought that - ”

“Let the man breathe, Jester.” Fjord was there, alongside the rest of the Nein, who were all smiling down at Caleb in relief.

“Did I go somewhere?” Caleb asked. His voice was hoarse.

“Almost,” Nott said, squeezing his fingers. “But we found you, and Jester had taken care of you, and everything’s  _ fine _ now.”

Caleb smiled.

“Ah, my wonderful friends. Where would I be without you?”

“Probably dead in a ditch, somewhere stupid,” Beau replied. She kicked him lightly in the shins, which hurt only slightly less than everything else. “Glad you’re still alive and shit.”

They all left him to his own devices, which mainly consisted of resting, but Jester hovered behind. Caleb realized they were well enough away from the rest of their camp to be unheard, and the realization settled deep in his stomach as the memories of his close brush with death came into brutally sharp focus.

“ _ Scheiße _ ,” he sighed as Jester settled in next to him.

“Caleb - ”

“Jester, if I may?” Caleb said, desperate to put the first word in before this entire thing fell apart anymore than it had to. She fell silent, biting her lip, but nodded for him to continue.

“I - I don’t…” Now that it was happening, that the confession was real and tangible, his words were failing him, and he hated it. “I never would have said... _ any _ of that i - if - ”

“So you don’t feel that way?”

She sounded so  _ hurt _ , and he immediately backpedaled as heat rushed to his neck and shame tried to bury him alive.

“ _ Nein, _ ” he urged her. “ _ Nein,  _ I - I do. But, Jester, you don’t...I’m not worthy of your love.”

Her brow furrowed.

“Why would you say that? You’re a great friend. I - I would be happy. With you.”

In any other case the words would have thrilled him, but this - she didn’t understand. Why couldn’t she understand?

She had drawn closer and taken his hand in hers.

“You’re a good person, Caleb,” she said, echoing words from long ago, and he was seized with the need for her to  _ understand _ . He shifted himself painfully upright to meet her gaze, grasping her hands tightly.

“I’m not,” he said earnestly. “I am nowhere near anything that you deserve. You deserve love from the  _ best _ , and I deserve  _ nothing _ . I have done  _ nothing _ in my life that would earn your love, and you - your very existence warrants  _ angels _ , Jester. Happiness and love and hamster unicorns and - ”

His voice caught in his throat, and suddenly the weight of everything came crashing down. He bent his head, forcing down a cry of anguish, because this  _ wasn’t how it was supposed to go _ . She was never supposed to know, she was supposed to live on.

“I am despicable,” he gasped. “And you deserve so much more than me.”

He couldn’t stand to look at her, but she tipped his chin up anyway.

“You know what I think?” she asked quietly. “I think we put too much thought into things like what we ‘deserve’.”

Her seriousness made him pause and look at her more closely. She was looking very pensive, but there was a hesitant smile on her face.

“It seems silly to let our experiences define what we can and can’t get. Who we can be with.”

She squeezed his hand.

“I once told you that I don’t think our actions define who we are, Caleb.” She pushed a strand of hair out of his eyes as he stared at her. “I still believe that, even if you don’t.”

She let out a breath.

“You saved my life in that cavern, you know. You were very brave, and you - ” He voice hitched slightly, but she pushed through it. “You almost died. Saving me. Seems like a pretty ‘good person’ thing to do, if you think about it.”

He instinctively moved to shake his head, to deny it, because one small act of bravery did not undo the horrors that he'd wrought, but Jester caught him before he could say as much.

“I know you think it’s not enough. And I don’t know who told you it’s not, but I would like to have a few words.”

Her angry pout coaxed a small shaky laugh from within his weakened chest.

“But you can learn that it is. With us.”

She leaned over and kissed him gently on the cheek.

“With me.”

He reached up, his fingertips ghosting the place where her lips had touched his skin. Undeserving. Yet so sweet.

“ _ Danke _ , Jester. I - I am grateful.”

She tapped him on the nose.

“I’m not stupid, you know,” she chided. “That isn’t the first time you’ve...told me that, is it?”

The flush in his neck grew hot scarlet, and he ducked his head to avoid her gaze.

“ _ Nein,”  _ he whispered.

“Mm-hmm. I thought so.”

“Dinner’s ready!” Caduceus called over from the campfire. Jester hopped to her feet.

“I’ll bring you a bowl,” she offered, but he shook her off.

“I’m not hungry.”

She looked disapproving, but she sighed and shrugged. There was a moment where she hovered there, and everything was back to normal. Dinner was being passed around, stories shared. In the morning they would head off into the new adventure.

But she shifted slightly, her hands worrying through the fabric of her dress, her face peering down at him with...sympathy? Excitement? He couldn’t even read her face. Just as well. If he had woken up and been immediately accepted by Jester, he probably would have died again. But he knew - things had changed.

“You’re very nice, Caleb,” she hummed, smiling down at him. “And also a little stinky.”

He gazed up at her, uncertain about what the future held, but sure to see it through.

“That may be all the blood,” he replied.

She giggled.

It really was a magical sound.

**Author's Note:**

> Zemnian translations, for those who need them:  
> Dummkopf = fool  
> Dummer traum = stupid dream  
> Blöd = stupid  
> mein freund = my friend  
> and of course: Scheiße = fuck
> 
> title is from "Almost (Sweet Music)" by Hozier
> 
> in terms of the ending, I deliberately left it ambiguous as to where the two of them end up, mostly cuz I wanted to keep it somewhat canonical. I know one could argue that Jester totes loves him back, but lately what with the Fjorjester canonical pushes from Laura and the way that Liam insists that it's a "problem" for Caleb, I wonder if these two would truly ever actually get together, even after a unadulterated confession like that. So make of it what you will! I personally like to think they take it slow and bridge the gap in baby steps, instead of falling in all at once.


End file.
